Growing Callus

It seems that we grow callus at an alarming rate. I care very much, but my opinion, and my well-being seem to callus at an alarming rate. My regular pop tastes like nasty diet pop. Lights are too bright. Darks are too stifling. A simple problem turns into a complex problem. In this case I'd like to say "They get what they want" and that's probably true for we lack insight into our decision making. But more to the point, it's my pain acting out. What I need is 1 IV in my left arm with Ibuprofen, and 1 IV in my right arm with Tylenol, and an iron clad schedule to follow. None of these seem like possibilities. When I'm able to live my life in a normal way, a lot of the pain that I feel will seem justified. For example, had I showered, shaved, deodorized, brushed my hair and teeth. I would be carrying myself with much more enthusiasm and gusto. My sinus headache, and sore and cold muscles, not to mention a very real Mental Illness, prevent me from accomplishing this simple healthy habit. I also don't get it when people say that I need initiative when I'm fighting a Mental Disorder. Doctors' don't tell diabetics they need to be more positive to produce more insulin, they don't tell kidney patients that their kidneys are non-essential to their regulatory systems and that their other organs will help syphon the urea, they don't tell someone with anemia to toughen up so their blood will clot faster. In other words, the disease that I suffer from is involuntary, whether they know it or not.

On a happier note, I'm feeling slightly empowered to deal with the day-to-day issues that arrive with life. I made bread yesterday and it turned out great. The garden is doing really well. There's 5 of us at work and soon to be 6 when Annette gets back. I'm more comfortable with knowing what should be done, and less afraid of what won't get done. They are putting me on a higher dose of Zoloft which should improve my mood. All in all things are moving along well. When I am feeling frail, I lay myself down and rest. A strung out frail person should lay down. I'm happy to report that I'm eating well, and getting a wink of sleep now and then. I've lost at many things, I've lost time to the computer, I've lost my watch, I've lost a lot of sleep. I still don't feel at a loss, which is nice.