Progress

I'm feeling a bit better than my last post, my feet warmed up, hurrah. I'm still putting on weight and waking up from nightmares and very much anxious when I'm around others, but I'm determined to live the best life I can with whatever condition I'm diagnosed with and whatever hurdles are in my path. In order to help myself, and anyone else I have to find ways to interact, and I seem to be pushed towards getting a job, so I'm thinking in that direction. It would be nice to have nice things too. I seem to be having a little bit of deja vu which is scary because of the terrible things I've heard, read, seen, etc because I'm afraid I'm on the wrong path as I was before. I feel good about getting food for me and some people in the office. I feel bad that another of my mom's employees seemed sad today.

I was very much relieved when I read that another person felt as though they were being tested on schizophrenia.com bulletin boards so I don't feel as alone. I'm inspired by a screensaver that I found that replays my favorite chess games. You can download it here.

With schizophrenia, I often feel like I've caused a lot of pain and suffering, like I carry the world on my shoulders, and my family seems sad since I've been mentally ill, what seems like most of my life. But I feel that there is a warm ball of hope in each of us and that, God willing, we'll all be good and healthy someday. I don't know why I have such a hard time with simple things like work and laundry and cleaning up after myself. I go to bed each night hoping that I'll be away from all the worries of the world when I wake up. I feel like I might be making progress with my mental illness and that one day we will all be good and healthy.